"Always Understand Their Position"Wouldn't you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will and make the other person listen attentively each and every time you speak? Yes? All right. Here it is: "I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."
Most lawyers must negotiate occasionally and many believe they know how to do it because they went to law school. Wrong! In fact, the adversarial process that American law embraces tends to make lawyers lousy negotiators. This is largely because our legal culture seems obsessed with seeing the lawyer as a warrior, lacking empathy for the other side.
Negotiation is in no way analogous to war. It's a search for a mutually beneficial result. Even when one decides to go to court, the case almost always ends with a negotiated settlement.
There is a saying in Aikido, a martial art that is based on self-defense techniques that do not injure the attacker. The Japanese phrase translates as "true victory is victory over one's self." It is helpful to repeat this phrase silently to yourself during any type of business negotiations. It keeps you focused on coming across as conciliatory, empathetic and forward-thinking. You will be seen as cooperative while simultaneously looking out for your company's interest.
When you are in a contract negotiation, for example, respond with all the reasons you understand what is being asked of you and paraphrase their position. Note that if you were the other party, you'd feel the same way. Then, and only then, will you dispassionately explain your position and say something like, "So I'm sure you can understand that, as I understand where you are coming from." Often, the problem is quickly resolved. You put the other person into accepting a position that is favorable to both of you. They feel that it's okay to compromise. Or, one might say, you're just being empathetic and asking him to do the same.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you. "Let Them Show Their Best Side"The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be noble and unselfish in their own estimation. A man grew up in a suburb of Detroit and went to school with several children whose parents were involved in organized crime. One of themore interestingthings he related about the parents of these children was that they were always very generous. They would give money to the schools their kids attended. They would have birthday parties and invite people from their Church. The fathers who were involved in ruthless criminal endeavours would jump around like puppets and play with the children at birthday parties. They would go to church on Sundays. They were listed as benefactors on bronze plaques on the walls in the symphony hall.Until it went off the air, the television show "The Soprano s" was an excellent example. In many of these episodes the Mafia family would be seen in a Catholic church attending mass for a funeral. Once, Carmella Soprano received a telephone call from Columbia University where her daughter was attending and went to meet a man from the school. The man asked her to donate $50,000 to the school. Without blinking, she went to her mobster husband and he gave her $50,000. It is a perfect example of people believing they are "good." The Mafia family wanted to be seen as nice people. They wanted to be seen as good church-going people. They wanted to be seen as supporters of the schools and the arts. However, in the community itself they were likely involved in things like selling drugs, money laundering and extortion.
People want to believe that they are doing something positive and good for the world. In fact, just about everyone you meets wants to believe that there is something "noble" to what they are doing and that their work "serves a higher purpose." People want to believe in the significance of what they are doing and their place and meaning in the world. Deep down they all want to believe that they are good people and not bad people. One of the greatest legends in history is of Robin Hood. There are writings dating back as far as 1283 that talk about Robin Hood. There are numerous different variations of the legend of Robin Hood and the story has been handed down for centuries. During the time of Robin Hood, King Richard was on a crusade in Jerusalem and left his brother, Prince John, in control during his absence. Prince John was known for his greed and was consideredto be evil. He taxed the people so much that they even had to use the little money they had for bread to pay hi m taxes.
One day after Robin was returning from a crusade he came across a poor peasant in Sherwood Forest who had just killed a deer. The deer of Sherwood Forest were meant only for the King to hunt. The peasant was being pursued by the King's guards for killing the deer. Robin Hood took pity on the peasant and killed the king's guards and became an outlaw. Robin Hood ended up losing his wealth, his land and everything he had in the whole world. Robin Hood ended up living in the forest and stealing from the rich and giving to the peasants.This story has been handed down for over 800 years in Western culture and, as myth, carries the power it does for so many people due to the fact that it shows that people who are doing things that may appear "bad" actually have a high regard for themselves. Robin Hood is celebrated due to the fact that his stealing and murder - usually considered heinous acts - became something that looked like a good thing in his and the world's estimation.Your employees, too, want to believe they are good people. Your potential investor wants to believe that she is a good person. Everyone wants to believe that deep down they are good people and that they stand for something positive in the world. This is the nature of the world.
Remember: One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.
The greatest politicians appeal to people's higher motives and the greatest public speakers, motivational coaches and others appeal to these motives, as well. In 1896, George Pierce Baker wrote the following in his "Principles of Argumentation."
"Choose the highest motive to which you think your audience will respond. If the speaker feels it necessary to appeal to motives not of the highest grades, he should see that before he closes he makes them lead into higher motives."
In James Winans' 1911 book, "Public Speaking, Principles and Practice," he writes: "While motives are frequently mixed, we need not cynically attribute right actions to selfishness, ambition or fear of public opinion. The average man really intends to do the right thing once his sense of responsibility is aroused. While most of us let down a bit when not under observation, we have certain principles of conduct, duty, honesty, honor, courage and generosity, in accordance with which we must live if we are to retain our self-respect."
The message is: Do not fear to appeal to the best sentiments in your listeners. Assume they are better rather than worse than they are. They may respond to lower motives, but may also rise to a higher plane.
Most people will tell you that there is some sort of noble purpose in what they are doing. A corporate attorney may tell you he prevents companies from being taken advantage of. A gas station mechanic will tell you he fixes cars so people can spend time traveling with their families. A stockbroker will tell you he helps people invest money so they can retire. There is likely some noble and higher purpose to whatever any company or organization is doing. It behooves you to recognize and address it.
Always think in terms of what the employee or partner or investor is working for - what serves their higher purpose. When you understand this higher purpose, speak in terms of this in interviews and in your daily contact. This will set you apart from most people and will put you on a higher and different plane than others. It will also make you appear to be a better choice in most instances in business. Everyone wants to be associated with what is good and noble. Being the person who acknowledges it in others will cause that "nobility" to rub off on your reputation, as well, and will have tremendous rewards for you in your career.
The person, himself, knows the real reason he or she does something. You don't need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to their higher motives. Nothing will work in all cases and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?
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